For Shame

"What will people think?"
"You can't really love yourself yet. You're not __________ enough." (Fill in blank with pretty, skinny, successful, rich, talented, happy, smart, feminine, masculine, productive, nice, strong, tough, caring, popular, creative, well-liked, admired, contributing)
"No one can find out about _____________."
"I'm going to pretend that everything is okay."
"I can change to fit in if I have to!"
"Who do you think you are to put your thoughts/art/ideas/beliefs/writing out in the world?"
"Taking care of them is more important than taking care of me."


You know this voice. It is your own.


Shame is that warm feeling that washes over us, making us feel small, flawed, and never good enough. Shame is the fear of being unloveable, cultivating a belief that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is all about fear. And while it might feel like shame hides in our darkest corners, it actually tend to lurk in all of the familiar places, inlcudng appearance and body image, family, money and work, health, addiction, sex, aging, and religion. To feel shame is to be human.

Shame is shit. Here's what we all need to know:

1. We all have it. Shame is universal and one of the most primitive human emotions that we experience. The only people who don't experience shame lack the capacity for empathy and human connection.

2. We're all afraid to talk about shame.

3. The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over our lives.

Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment. When something shaming happens and we keep it locked up, it festers and grows. It consumes us. We need to share our experience. Shame happens between people, and it heals between people. If we can find someone who has earned the right to hear our story, we need to tell it.

Shame loses power when spoken.